Notes From Corporate America

Since I started my super fancy, corporate internship in October, I've had people ask me, What's it like to work at a super cool, nifty public relations firm in the heart of our nation? Actually, no one has ever asked me that, and if we're talking geographically, most would argue that the heart of our nation is somewhere in the Midwest, but that's neither here nor there. But, if anyone is interested, I'm ready to talk about what it's like to work for a company like I do. Most of the time, I'm busy and diligently working, but occasionally, on days like today, we have staff meetings. Since this was my first time interacting with the entire company in one room, I came prepared with a notebook and pen to take notes down.
I soon after found out that no one takes notes at these things, and usually, people start drifting waywardly around the "Finance" section. But, I had the notebook and pen and imagination, so I took notes anyway. Some would call them more of a documentation of my inner dialogue, but I think we all know that when I'm at work... it's work only. Rome wasn't built in a day, but when I'm in charge of it, you can bet it will be done in two. Here's my notes:

1:59pm: Intern Nicole has abandoned me to sit with the Brand team. When I asked if it was okay if I sat with them she said, You can't sit with us! so I took a page out of Gretchen Wieners notebook and sat elsewhere. I felt awkward at the prospect of sitting with the boy interns, so I'm kind of sitting with the Social Marketing division... oh yeah, and Destiney--Destiney is my girl.

2:02pm: I'm feeling unwarranted resentment toward JJ, the Online Strategy intern. I don't know why.

2:04pm: 90 minute meeting has been reduced to 60. The aura in the room went from an orangey-red to a blue. Much better vibes. Much better.

2:05pm: Sudden paranoia has set in. I thought my phone was going to go off... checked it... it's on vibrate. Thank God.

2:08pm: Mother's intuiton was correct. Someone is calling me. Whomever you are, may you burn in the depths of corporate intern hell.

2:18pm: My boss Erica just waved at me from the back row. Hey, girl!

2:22pm: I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of inside corporate jokes. I should have been here longer before I had to come to one of these. Also, Destiney just told me that she likes my socks. They're not special, but it means a lot.

2:26pm: The inside jokes are getting out of hand, and I'm uncomfortable. Not in the "sue the company because this is inappropriate" way, just uncomfortable in general.

2:30pm: Fun fact: I've been wearing these socks for almost three days. #sorrynotsorry

2:37pm: The head of my division just arrived. This is going to be great. Game on.

2:38pm: I feel like we say "sexy" a lot in the Social Marketing division, yet again, not in the "sue the company" kind of way.

2:40pm: In front of the entire company, the head of my division just said, The spirit of the holiday is when you enjoy the misfortune of others. 10-4.

2:42pm: I finally realize why my chair won't lean back any further... it's because I'm pushing against a man's leg. My bad.

2:44pm: The head of my division (aka, super boss) is the most entertaining of all the super bosses.

2:45pm: We have officially hit the Finance section. Money on someone from Brand falling out of their chair.

2:48 pm: My mouth just made a super awkward popping noise, but it wasn't nearly as awkward as the length of time I spent pointing at my mouth afterward. I don't know if anyone saw, but if they did, I'm never going to get a job offer... actually, let's be honest... those chances are looking pretty slim anyway.

2:51pm: Yawn so hard, that yawn cray--ain't is J? Oops. Just got a message from OKCupid on my phone. Note to self: Tell no one at work that I have an OKCupid. Second note to self: See if I can find anyone at work on OKCupid; use it as leverage.

2:58pm: There are literally chapters in this meeting, one of them being a E! True Hollywood Story (literally) chronicling one employees path from college to graduate to her new promotion. Snaps for Dana.

3:03pm: Now a woman is reciting a haiku about an employees promotion... wait. The last line had six syllables. She was like, This is a haiku! and I was secretly like, No, it's not.

3:07pm: Oh good. There's my face on a giant screen. Welcome to the company, Justin. They asked me to stand up, and I think I did something akin to a curtsy. I can hear the keys typing up an ad to replace my position as we speak.

3:08pm: Oh, look it's Intern Liz! But it's awkward because she's not here. Snaps for Liz! I wonder what's she's doing... JJ's on his phone... they're probably texting. (more unwarranted resentment)

3:10pm: They're giving away a Kindle!? I want a Kindle.

3:13pm: Obligatory announcement of birthdays and anniversaries. So much clapping. So much.

3:17pm: In true PR fashion, the president of the company lied... but not completely. The meeting was 77 minutes--not 90, but definitely not 60.