Slapbags and Buttholes: A Guide to Orifices and Consumables

Today, I found out about an unfortunate situation that happened just minutes down the road from my home in Tennessee. Apparently in an alleged fraternity hazing stint**, a University of Tennessee student was given what the media has referred to as an "alcohol enema." Forewarned, if you're not the Merriam-Webster type, this is probably not the post for you because I'm afraid that this topic is going to call for a lot of definition. From what I gather, an "alcohol enema" is essentially someone taking a bag of wine and inserting said wine into another person's anus. I'm honestly baffled by the prospect of putting anything up a butt because some days, when I use the bathroom, that process hurts on its own. Though I've often heard that there is a pleasurable experience... never-mind, let's just say it: it's dangerous putting things up your butt.
So essentially, these guys took a slapbag (A slapbag is the large bag of wine taken from inside a box of Franzia, Black Box, etc. The term originates from taking a drink out of the bag, then slapping the bag to produce a funny noise) and put some portion of it up this man's anus resulting in a BAC (blood alcohol content) of over .4. For those of you who struggle with math, that translates to .40% of your blood contains ethanol. And though the first thought was that I hope that this young man is okay, I find myself absolutely baffled at the prospect that people put things like boxed wine (or wine in general) and anus(es) together. It's as fascinating to me as when people wear black slacks and brown shoes. As a generation, we are getting completely out of hand. You bring me your Lady Gaga business with her "right track baby, you were born this way," kind of mentality, and I accept it. But when you completely disregard the function of one your most important internal organs, I feel the need to address some of the most absurd combinations I've ever heard of in my life.
As mentioned in a previous post, on a recent date I was informed that sometimes people like to lick each other's armpits. I used my sarcasm senses to try and determine if this person was merely playing a disgusting verbal joke or if this was a recreational activity that people actually did. Sadly, it was the latter. Apparently, there are select people of the world who enjoy licking and/or receiving the lickage (act of licking) of armpits. I'm sure there's some weird body sensor that experiences joy or pleasure in the armpit region, but considering my tragic history with tickling, I'm fairly confident that I'm not one of those people. Call me a prude, but 6 out of 7 days of the week (because sometimes I'm busy and I forget), I put deodorant/antiperspirant on in hopes of preventing moisture from collecting in or around my armpits. So, I don't understand the idea of inviting someone's mouth, or face in general, toward my armpit. The idea makes me nervous, and it's just another extraneous factor that I consider when I'm deciding whether or not I want to kiss people.

Unsanitary.

So with all of this new age thought about what we should and should not do with our orifices, I find it my duty to explain what you should not put in or around your orifices. I'm not going to cover the basics because the Kama Sutra has done too much irreparable damage for me to try and fix that. I am going to cover some basic food groups and some common household objects. First, I'm going to go ahead and recommend that you dismiss any temptation to put any food product up your butt. Leave what meddling needs to be done down there to your physician. And to build off of that, I think we all learned from that tragic, tragic scene on Slumdog Millionaire to take special precaution to keep spicy substances from any and all orifices. In terms of your mouth, I understand that it's really dealer's choice here, but I would like to remind you that we are not cats. I will leave you to make your choices on this one, but I would recommend staying away from areas that collect sweat easily or germs in general. Don't put your fingers near my mouth and don't even discuss the prospect of feet with me. Unlike most of the other categories, this is, however, where I encourage you to put food... specifically, wine.
And maybe I'm preaching to the choir here. Maybe this is more of an outlier thing, and the rest of us have already mastered how to conduct ourselves when it comes to our body and the places where things can go in or out. But, as a public relations hopeful that wants to focus on social marketing, I find it my duty to put out a PSA when I think that societal habit calls for it. Johnny Knoxville made it okay for us to put alcohol up our butts via Jackass, and I want to use this blog to explain how it's not okay. I want you to look around the room, and I want you to understand that there's most likely not a thing around that is acceptable to put inside your body. Protect yourself and set an example for everyone else around you. Sure, it's Yom Kippur, but that doesn't have to be the only new start in the air. Make this the day that you promise to treat your body respectfully and take notice of where you put things.

**correction: According to the KPD, this may have not been a hazing situation... which means someone just chose to do this. Just trying to get the deets right.