Things You Can Be Doing in Florida Other Than Going to The Republican National Convention

Sadly, I am sitting in my mid-Atlantic apartment watching the Republican National Convention instead of actually being in Florida for the Republican National Convention. It's disappointing for a number of reasons, namely my avid dedication for Mitt Romney, the advocation for life in situations of rape, and consideration that pregnancy can begin before sperm even gets involved (like on Baby Mama)... jay kay, I just think it's funny when a whole bunch of closeted gay men get together and wear appropriately colored ties (fun fact: back in the day, gay men would wear red ties and pinky rings to signify they were gay in a subtle way... watch Mad Men, Salvador says it all). Anyway, I suppose that choosing Florida for the national convention was an obvious choice, but I'll let you assume why. However, if you are so lucky to be in Florida right now, I want to remind you that you have options. Instead of sitting in a sparsely populated arena listening to a black person who was brainwashed by Mitt Romney to add a little ethnic flair to an otherwise white man's campaign, I'm here to offer you some travel suggestions.
I once went to Florida, and it's a pretty neat place. Mind you, that was during Spring Break 2011, so my perspective may be a little blurred, but it's whatevs. I'm pretty sure that I remember enough that I can tell you some hot spots in and around Florida that may pique your interest and sway you away from this Republican business going on.
First and foremost, before we start, I would just like to remind you of all the reasons that going to the national convention just isn't as fun as it was four years ago. I think the number one reason is that Sarah Palin isn't there. Let's be honest: you either loved her (like me, seriously) or you loved to hate her. Either way, it was really exciting to have her around because she was always good for a laugh. She made the convention fun, sexy, and a little bit naughty... and we liked that. Second of all, there was that tiny little John McCain who we appreciated because he had the face of a teddy bear and the valor of a legend. Even if he ended up in office doing crazy business for four years, at least he was lovable. I'm sure that after a while, we could have maybe gotten used to it. Kind of. But now we have two white men... again... and isn't that just kind of boring? It all feels kind of dangerous now; it's hard to laugh at the issues they stand behind because there's nothing that makes them kind of laughable. Maybe it's not too late to get Christine O'Donnell back with some of that witchcraft. Hermoine for President!
But I digress, let's get back to Florida. Tampa is kind of a funny place because it's in such an inconvenient location, but if you happen to stumble up toward the border of Florida and Georgia, there's this really cool place that sells oranges and puka shell necklaces. I also found a coffee cup with the name Carol on it, but if none of that appeals to you, they also have a thirteen foot gator! You read that correctly the first time: thirteen. foot. gator. And yeah, you'll probably have to pay to see it, but instead of listening to Republicans talk about small business development that they may or may not have anything to do with (ahem, tax cuts for the wealthy and corporations, sniff cough), you can give your money to actual small businesses that aren't being represented by some woman from Delaware talking about her autistic son's personal growth because of her self-made business. I mean, snaps to you emotionally trained Republican woman with Sarah Palin glasses, but seriously... I don't think you have a thirteen foot gator.
Also, if discussing the underlying characteristics of birth control that are tearing the sanctity of our country apart isn't intoxicating enough, Florida is one of the last states in the country to sell 4Loko's with 12% alcohol. Yes, they have been linked with heart attacks and some of the most devastating physical ramifications that 24 ounces can offer a person, but you only live once or YOLO as the kids say these days. And for those of you who turn into that girl when you drink your trashy, malt beverages from the gas station, then what better way to celebrate what could be the final days of availability to birth control by starting your night off with a 4Loko... that is, unless you're gay, in which case, there is obviously no need for birth control since you're going to split Hell wide open anyways. Sigh.

Though this is probably one of the most important topics at this year's convention, along with one of the most depressing, we need to briefly discuss the economy. In short, it kind of sucks, and if you go to the convention and you are in that middle to lower class bracket, you're going to hear something along the lines of "sucks to suck." So, instead, you can visit one of Florida's many Burger Kings. I know that on Spring Break, Burger King was kind of like my safe haven, and if you want the skinny, the best deal that you can get is that BK Stacker. So cheap, but quaintly delicious.
And lastly, since you're in Florida and because things aren't looking too fantastic for America either way, there really could be a chance that Mitt Romney will get elected, and in that case, this could be the last time you're ever in Florida... not so much because you won't have the money to get there but more because the increase in drilling oil will cause global warming to escalate at a rate that would cause Florida to be underwater as early as 2016. I'm not joshing you guys, go to the beach. Skip the convention and just hang out on the sand while it's still available in an oxygenated environment. Oh yeah, go to Disney World, too. That'll be gone as well. And when I assume that Florida will be gone, I'm going to go ahead and say that it will definitely be gone. Trust me, I took an environmental studies class a couple years ago; we talked about stuff like this.
I'm going to be honest, maybe I'm a little biased in this debate. Yep, I'm going to admit it... I'm probably sounding a little left-winged for your taste, and I apologize for that. This has always been a safe place for all of us; a place where we could leave our political woes at the door and laugh about things that weren't so intensely topical. But I'm sorry, I have to stand up and say something when our next first lady bears a striking resemblance to Ann Coulter. You remember what that woman said about 9/11... I don't think any of us liked it that much. I'm not saying that Ann Romney is Ann Coulter (whoa... they have the same name), but I am saying that I like Michelle Obama more. She's fierce, she knows how to rock a pencil skirt, and she takes her kids to popular concerts.
And if I haven't won you over yet, they played God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood and Kid Rock was scheduled to perform at the RNC. Scene.