But it really should be no surprise because I mastered the art of what I like to call "surprise tears" at an early age. It always depended on the occasion, but I could make them appear like magic. And the thing is, these were always very real tears. Sure, they magically came about when I would not want to do something: go deer hunting, go to school, stay at school, occasionally... leave school (??), but it was always a powerful moment that my freakishly blue eyes would start hurling tears toward anyone in a three foot radius... kind of like a sprinkler.
But lately, I've found myself bound among three different time periods: actually, they're the most basic time periods that any human can know... yesterday, today, and tomorrow (sometimes), and I alternate between them like someone with multiple personalities. I can't seem to figure out which reality I want to live in, so I just switch back and forth among them.
Yesterday
This one is usually the one that induces the most tears. It comes from living in a world that has never had the responsibility of changing. Sure, I had to move from one school to another... one pair of wind breakers to jeans to khakis to a grossly nicer pair of jeans. But in reality, I never had to change my world all that much because it was a world that didn't really require that much of a change. And I long for that every day because it was such a fantastic world to live in... but what world isn't when you don't have to live in it anymore? All of a sudden, my senior thesis and seemingly disastrous relationships and RA duty nights are all things that I cherish more than loathe (actually, let's be honest. Anyone that knew me knew that I never truly loathed any of those things). But I find myself reaching out to the people that made that "yesterday" so very special. And I think a lot of times, people find themselves living in the past because they don't want to let go of what was once before them but is now behind. However, I'm going to make the assertion (like most people do) that I'm different. I like the idea that I take time to look into the past because there really is so much to learn about what had already happened to us. And maybe, just maybe, there are pieces and parts and places and people that are worth holding on to. There's never a reason that you should be ashamed to go back, and there's never a reason that someone from days gone by can't eventually be someone from days ahead... and that's where it gets blurry. That's why it's only sometimes tomorrow, because if you think about tomorrow in reference to yesterday, then it all gets really messed up and you feel like you're working through the story line of Inception, if there actually ever was a story line to Inception. Eventually, my head starts to hurt, so I listen to Edith Piaf's Rien de Rien so that I can get my "kick" and come back to reality.
Today
And then there's today, which is sometimes are confusing and complicated as the yesterday/tomorrow love child because there's really issues that have to be solved... today. Even though I haven't given up on the idea that life in the "real world" (and I say that with heavy sarcasm because, I mean, c'mon... if you're proclaiming to be in the "real world," then most likely you are as far in make believe land as a four year old) can be fun because I believe it can be. I have last Friday night to prove that. I also have the Saturday I spent at the National Zoo wearing a panda hat to prove that as well. But on the days that aren't as fun, I suppose that today is quite a complicated place to be. Today is a kind of place that celebrates an electricity bill that is 88 dollars because you thought it would be 200. Today is the feeling that you worked two doubles and didn't want to kill yourself at the end of it. Today is a day when you feel proud because you didn't have to take a nap in the middle of it. And once more... today is a place where yesterday and tomorrow meet, which is maybe why it's so confusing. It's the moment you've been waiting for because you've been preparing yourself in the past for everything that lies ahead, and you have all this hope for the things to come. With all of it's difficulties and obstacles, today might just be the best place that you can ever be.
(Sometimes) Tomorrow
On days when you didn't get a chance to nap, tomorrow isn't really as much of a priority as "bed" is because you've used just about all your energy that you have on what has been sitting directly in front of you; however, tomorrow is a fantastic place to land if you have the time to think about it. It's kind of like Alice in Wonderland because it's the huge hole where anything can happen... good and bad. Sometimes, tomorrow consists of the same double shift that you worked today, or in my case, it is this amazingly terrifying place that holds a job interview that you never thought you could get in the first place. Tomorrow might be the day that I find the love of my life, or perhaps, tomorrow could be the day I die. It's a giant gamble, and that's the most exciting thing that can happen to a person because we all want to believe that our lives are not predictable. We want to think that something magical could happen, even if in the end, it's relatively minute. Tomorrow is the kind of place that stories come from: the stories that we read for entertainment and inspiration. And as important as the past has been, specifically for the content of this blog (and I swear, one day soon, I will return to the silly anecdotes of days passed), sometimes it is the stories that I write about the future that inspire me the most. Tomorrow is where all the hopes of today and yesterday reside. It's entirely yours to write, and nothing can stop you from fulfilling each tomorrow with exactly what you hope will be in it.
Sigh. That's a lot of time metaphor for one entry, but let's see if I can wrap it up with something wittingly personal, while also universal that you can apply to your life. Currently, I'm in a battle with yesterday, today, and tomorrow. In the midst of being knee deep in a completely new city full of completely new places, the only person I really want to share my life with is someone from the past. And for days now, all that I've done is wonder how I can get back there: how in the world have we gotten all the way through at least SIX different iPhones and not figured out a way to send ourselves back in time? But the slightly painful, slightly exciting thing is that... for today... that is just not something remotely possible. There is no way for me to return to Knoxville and experience anything that I used to know. I mean, I'm all paid up through September, and if I left now, that's just a waste of money. I don't do things like that.
And the downside/upside to all of that is... everything could change tomorrow. Tomorrow is that interview, and if I get this position, I have no doubt that it will be the beginning of my life changing forever. And with opportunity comes change and people and new adventures. You meet all these great people, and one of them could be the person that you've been waiting for. The person that makes you want to be a better person just because they exist. So, when you think about your tomorrow... whether it be in disgust or excitement, just know that it could be the day that changes your entire existence. And if you think about the past and long for what you once had, realize that there could be something lying ahead that is greater than anything you've ever known. And if neither one compels you all that much, then take a moment and do your best to live today to the fullest extent that you know how to because if there's one thing that is absolutely certain, you have today, and that's all that any human can ever truly ask for.
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